Grumpy Old Sod.com - not the kind of question you usually expect in an exam ...

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The following is an actual question from a University of Washington Chemistry mid-term exam ...

"IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (GIVES OFF HEAT)
OR ENDOTHERMIC (ABSORBS HEAT)?"

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed), or some variant. One student , however, gave an answer so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well ...

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms.Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, that "... it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic, and will not freeze."

The student received the only 'A' given. And quite right, too.

The GOS says: Sadly, P**** F***** has emailed, drawing our attention to this page which reveals that the story is not genuine.

But on the other hand, if the answer is neat, original and funny (which it is) then what does it matter who wrote it and why?

I have one difficulty with it, though. While it purports to be logical, it isn't at all. It seems to me that for souls to cause alterations in the size of Hell, they must necessarily have certain physical attributes i.e. mass. If Hell contains billions of souls each having its own mass, Hell itself must have mass. And if our scientists are so clever they can detect Global Warming when it doesn't exist, they certainly should be capable of telling us where a bloody great mass like Hell is. I think they know, really, but Al Gore won't let them say ...

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