Given that man-made CO2 emissions are ruining the world's ecosystems, increasing the greenhouse effect and causing a steady build-up of temperature ….
... given that everyone knows sea-levels are rising and that low-lying areas will be inundated before long (The GOS even has a mug that shows the sea engulfing the land when you pour hot water in it, so it must be true) …
... given that wild-life is already suffering because of man-made climate change, that Mediterranean species are making their way further north every year …
... given that the Antarctic and Arctic ice-sheets are melting, raising sea-levels and condemning all the polar-bears to a watery grave ….
... given that all this is so well-known that scientists and governments worldwide have reached a consensus, and it's only us ignorant ordinary people who haven't accepted the new religion yet, and who cares what we think anyway? …
... given all this compelling, well-documented, proven evidence … isn't it just the teeniest bit odd that the world seems to be … well, I suppose you might say … warming up in a slightly peculiar way? Warming up in a manner that involves … getting colder?
Not to worry. I expect it's just us being silly as usual, and no doubt any minute Al Gore will be along with his new film explaining why falling temperatures are just the same as Global Warming, and just as bad for polar bears and so on. I imagine it's just a matter of time before someone sets us all straight and tells us how silly we're being.
Still, until they do …
… here's a chart showing the area of frozen sea in the Antarctic. It's summer there now, of course, but all the same these figures from the respected US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration show that instead of being minimal, the area of ice is greater now than it has ever been in the period graphed - about a third more than usual, in fact. Very fishy, that.
Must be a mistake. Doubtless the figures from the Arctic will show a very different story …
… yes, there you are! Right at the end there, you can see that from the red line at the bottom how in 2007 the ice just melted and melted, polar bears splashing around and drowning left right and centre, and then … the ice just … froze again, you know, like ice does? And is currently back to its usual level. Very strange, that. Must just be a freak bit of weather.
Naturally all this has been seized upon by newspapers of the cheaper, less responsible sort (i.e. not the Independent or the Guardian, on other words). The Express, for instance, had this to say …
"… scientists say the northern hemisphere has endured its coldest winter in decades. They add that snow cover across the area is at its greatest since 1966.
The one exception is Western Europe, which has - until the weekend when temperatures plunged to as low as -10C in some places - been basking in unseasonably warm weather. The UK has reported one of its warmest winters on record. However, vast swathes of the world have suffered chaos because of some of the heaviest snowfalls in decades. Central and southern China, the USA and Canada were hit hard by snowstorms.
Even the Middle East saw snow, with Jerusalem, Damascus, Amman and northern Saudi Arabia reporting the heaviest falls in years and below-zero temperatures. Meanwhile, in Afghanistan snow and freezing weather killed 120 people.
In Britain the balmy February weather came to an abrupt halt at the weekend as temperatures plunged to -10C in central England. Experts believe that this month could end up as one of the coldest Februaries in Britain in the past 10 years."
But the Express, you know … they just make it up, I expect. Pure sensationalism.
And it goes without saying that if there's a bandwagon being ridden by the Express, the Daily Mail will be gagging to get on as well. Their contribution to this completely unfounded panic-mongering was"In Afghanistan, freezing weather and the worst snow for 30 years have killed more than 900 people. In neighbouring Tajikistan, according to aid agencies, the coldest winter for 50 years, along with soaring food prices and a massive energy crisis, threatens a "humanitarian catastrophe".
In Greece and Turkey, where temperatures dropped as low as minus 31 degrees Celsius, hundreds of villages have been cut off by blizzards and drifting snow. In Iran, following heavy snowfalls last month, its eastern desert regions - normally still hot at this time of year - have seen their first snow in living memory. In Saudi Arabia last month, people were amazed by the first snow most had ever seen. On the Pacific coast of Japan last week, heavy falls of snow injured more than 50.
Meanwhile in the U.S., similarly abnormal snowfalls have hit more than a dozen states. One Massachusetts town reported 12ft drifts after its heaviest snows in 30 years. In Wisconsin, the state governor declared a state of emergency as schools and airports were forced to close by up to 20in of snow - and even this was dwarfed by the blizzards which dropped as much as 16ft of the white stuff on parts of Washington state."
What rubbish! Everyone knows the Earth's heating up.
The British government certainly does, and are so worried about it that they recently commissioned a series of TV adverts stating categorically that exhaust emissions = CO2 = Global Warming.
Two members of the Association of British Drivers, Ben Adams and John Ryle, claim that this is entirely unproven, and have complained to the Advertising Standards Authority. The ASA have dismissed their complaint, saying that scientists are "agreed", there is a "consensus" and that statements have the backing of IPCC and the government's chief scientist.
Adams and Ryle are calling on people to keep complaining all the same. They clearly don't understand the concept of "faith" - a steadfast belief in that which cannot be proven.
The Heartland Institute in America aren't big on faith, either. They've provided this excellent little quiz about Global Warming.
And another cynical sneer from the ABD: they point out that CO2 emissions from China are scheduled to grow between 11% and 13% in the period 2000 to 2010.
In 2006 China's emissions contained 1.7 gigatons of carbon (a gigaton is a billion metric tonnes), and by 2010 it may be 2.8 gigatons. This is the equivalent of adding both the UK and Australia to China each year.
But swap your 1.6 litre saloon for a 1 litre mini, and the planet will be saved. Hallelujah, brothers.
Finally, for anyone still willing to imbibe even more cynicism and negativity, here are a couple of articles we found that make the scurrilous and, we're sure, completely unfounded assertion that Al Gore may actually have something to gain from his Global Warming campaign.
Perish the thought. The man's a saint.
The GOS says: We hear that the last full-time Loch Ness Monster researcher has finally given up after a lifetime of looking for the beast. The man, an 85-year-old American, even bought a cottage by the Loch so he could devote more time to his quest, but now he's decided to quit. He thinks that the Monster has probably been killed by Global Warming.
As our correspondent P*** J****** points out, a cynic might argue that this is a case of one myth being held responsible for the demise of another.
But hey, cynicism … who needs it? I spit on cynicism! What we needs is faith, brother, we gots to has mo' faith! Pass me ma tambourine ...
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